Raise your hand if you love going to the dentist.
When I was little, I actually did love going to the dentist. I got to choose from the illustrious selection of tooth polisher flavors, which included delicious choices like mint, bubblegum and tutti frutti. Bubblegum was my favorite. After the cleaning was done I was handed a shiny new toothbrush (after I agonized over which color to choose.) Then, to top it all off, I got to pick a treat from a wicker basket shaped like an elephant. I would delve into the layers of treasures and hope against hope that there would be some stick-on earrings. At age 7, I lived for stick-on earrings.
Thankfully, I never had to get braces. . .I have a feeling I would not have been quite so fond of teeth appointments if that was the case:
Now, as an adult, dentist appointments are not exactly highlights in my life. If you're anything like me, when you go to a dentist appointment your thought pattern goes something like this:
1. (Walking up to the building) This won't be too bad...at least I don't have to get a filling or something. Wait, did I floss this morning?
2. (Walking into the dentist office) Wow, there's no other smell like the dentist office. Sterilized meeting place of rubber gloves and tooth ghosts. Maybe I can just breathe through my mouth...
3. Who picked this music?
4. Hey, they have magazines. Maybe I'll look at one of...never mind.
5. (Avoiding making eye contact with the rack of educational literature on oral health) I will not buy into the agenda of the Tooth Lords. I still have my wisdom teeth and no one is going to take them from me.
6. (Heading in for appointment) Who designed these chairs? They're like ironing boards wearing a plastic sleeve.
7. I wore my hair in a ponytail and now I have to feel the no-snag hair tie digging into the back of my head.
8. I do not like paper bibs.
9. What kind of bulbs are in the light you are shining in my face? The essence of the sun and moon reacting with a million birthday candles?
10. What is the thing called that you're scraping my teeth with? I should lobby for it to be re-named the Tooth Torturer.
11. I remember what blood tastes like now.
12. If I open my mouth any wider, my jaw is going to lock. I'll have to walk around gaping and scaring small children. Also, I'll never be able to swim in the ocean again.
13. Please stop asking me questions while you're cleaning my teeth. I can't answer you and it makes me feel guilty and vaguely enraged.
14. I'm not actually crying. Some baking soda just sprayed in my eyes UNDER THE SAFETY GLASSES YOU GAVE ME TO PROTECT THEM FROM THAT VERY THING HAPPENING.
15. I love seeing x-ray images of my teeth. They remind me that there is a skeleton inside all of us.
16. The gum from the jar on the reception desk tastes better than all the other gum and I can't figure out why.
17. I am not going to run out the door. I am a mature adult.
18. (Walking fast) Freedom is at hand.
19. Fresh air. Shiny-clean teeth. I survived.
I admire people who work in the teeth business. Imagine looking in people's mouths all day and being like:
Have a great day.